Puns that I can't take credit for...but if I could I'd be rich...

(If the title didnt make you smile...read it again.  Yep, that one is mine.  The following...not so much)

1. If a man runs in front of car, he gets tired.  If he runs behind, he gets exhausted.
2. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
3. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
4. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
5. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
6. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
7. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
8. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
9. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
10. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
11. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
12. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
14. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
15. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
16. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
17. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
25. Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere which caused the skin on the bottom of his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a - Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!
26. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise he funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . . Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Got any of yours you want to add?  Leave a comment...