Both quarters

So it happened in the Spring of 2007.  My car was broken into.  Well...I guess you can't call it 'broken into' since it wasn't locked.  Kinda hard to lock the doors that you don't have keys to.  The locks had been changed multiple times with each replacement of broken door handles.  Never spent the time to re-key the locks.  I digress.

Monday morning, I got in my car to go to work, and noticed that my glove box was open, and its contents strewn about the floor.  Hmm...thats odd.  I'm not very concerned since this particular glove box needed a good SLAM to get it to shut, so I figured that maybe it just opened again...but yet the contents would have still been in the box.  Alas, I figured out what happened when I noticed that all my money had been stolen too.  Yes, they took both my quarters.  I was devastated!  That was water money for refilling our empty gallons since our tap water is gross.  I digress.

After a call to the police (just to let them know...not 'cause I really cared) they wanted to fill out an accident report and the works.  The officer showed up a few hours later and told me that there was a break-in spree on my street over the weekend...and most of the reports were completed on Saturday.  "How is it that you didn't call us till today?"  Well.  Since the car had over 260,000 miles, only 2 doors, no air conditioning, smelled, broken glove box, and doors that don't lock (among many other things)...it was obviously not our choice of vehicle whenever the family needed to go somewhere.  Oh...and the seat belts didn't really work...not safe for the kids.  When asked what was stolen, I told the officer that both quarters were.  She snickered, and continued with the report.  I digress.

Time passes...I forgot about what happened until I received a subpoena to appear in court to testify against some kid they had caught.  The exact court date escapes my mind...I just know it was early September 2007, and to appear in court would have been a hardship at LBC since the semester had just begun and training was not complete.  The day before the court date, we got a call that the case had been settled out of court, and I did not need to appear.  Great!  Didn't really want to go anyway.  

End of story right?  Oh, wait there's more...

Time passes...I recently received a letter dated Sept 17th, 2008.  It was too good not to share with you... "Dear Mr Story:  This criminal case is now completed."  What?  A full year?  I guess those 1 hour shows on TV where they catch the murderer in less than 1 day really isn't correct since they cant even close the case on a guy that stole fifty cents in less than 1 year!!  "On July 21, 2008, the defendant plead guilty to the charges of 1) Theft by Unlawful Taking," What?  What other kind of theft is there?  Is there a lawful kind? "2) Criminal Conspiracy, 3) Theft From a Motor Vehicle"  Didn't we already cover that in the first charge?  Interestingly, he gets to serve jail time and is required to submit a blood sample to be included in the DNA registry (and pay costs)  Lets hope it costs less than fifty cents!

With the letter also came a survey titled Victim/Witness Services Satisfaction Survey.  While, yes, I am a victim, not so sure I really care about the outcome or my satisfaction.  The funniest part of the survey...question #1.  "What type of crime was committed against you?"  Pick one: (have left some off the list...) C-Burglary, E-Criminal Mischief/Vandalism/Property Damage, G-DUI and Vehicular Crimes, H-Financial Crimes, K-Robbery, N-Theft."  What?  Pick one?  Out of 14 choices, 6 of them somewhat relate to my case...some more than others...but without a description of how they breakdown, how do I know which is the right one.  What-a-minute.  YOU tell me what type of crime was committed against me.  You were the ones that prosecuted the guy in this case...how do I know how you classified it? Whats the difference between Burglary, Robbery, & Theft anyway?  

Ugh...

Puns that I can't take credit for...but if I could I'd be rich...

(If the title didnt make you smile...read it again.  Yep, that one is mine.  The following...not so much)

1. If a man runs in front of car, he gets tired.  If he runs behind, he gets exhausted.
2. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
3. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
4. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
5. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
6. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
7. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
8. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
9. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
10. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
11. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
12. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
14. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
15. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
16. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
17. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
25. Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere which caused the skin on the bottom of his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a - Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!
26. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise he funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . . Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Got any of yours you want to add?  Leave a comment...

Things you never thought you'd say to your kids.

So, sometimes the comedy of the situation warrents just such an answer. And I dont even need to paint the picture of what was happening before I said it. Use your imagination...you're probably correct!

Feel free to add your own comments with your own statements that surprised you that you had to say them.

• "Get your fingers out of my nose"
• "Dont lick my toes"
• "Dont color on the piano...especially with a pen" (yes, it made gouges too...)
• "Let go of my face"

There are others...but I am at a loss right now.  I'll update it if I think of more...  Be sure to post your own...  Mom...got any good ones?  Kristin?